My god, you hate me. You love me. You’re so mad at me.
The conversations pile up and they come from every angle of the compass. From the accusatory “Why didn’t you tell me about your feelings?” to the sympathetic “I get it, you want to get to the heart of it, here” to the accusatory “See, you don’t love me because I’m not the right type.”
Each time, we return to the same answer: “I’m not the right person for you.”
The stories are endless and the choices made are often obvious but never quite so simple. Like the feeling that eats at you for days, making you question your own judgement and your place in the world.
You’re frustrated by your inability to connect. You’re angry at the world for making you feel like you don’t deserve happiness or love or to be the person you want to be.
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells around everyone and everything. You’re paranoid about stepping into a space where you’d be okay to show your true feelings. You doubt yourself.
You know deep down you want so badly for the two of you to be together, but you can’t seem to shake that feeling in your gut that it’ll kill you if you open up.
You feel like you’re a victim of your own actions and are afraid to make anyone else feel the way you do.
Like we’re all just using you.
You don’t want to lose you to another relationship, but you’re also not ready to do that. You don’t want to make anyone else feel the way you do either, but you’re content with your relationship on its own.
And you’re okay with being single for the rest of your life. You don’t want to lose the person you love just to be with someone new.
Until they wake up and realize how much they want what you have.
Until they open up and realize how much they fit into your life and how much they complement it.
Until they spend time with everyone and everything and they fall in love with everything about you.
Until they find someone and they realize how happy they could be by themselves.
Until they realize how much they fit into your life.
Until they realize how much they make you feel.
You wake up one day and decide that if you’re going to keep going, you need to do everything you ever said you didn’t want. You need to show everyone just how much you love them, and you need to stop wearing a mask.
You realize you’re holding on to a wound that could keep reopening itself, and you’d better close it up and clean it up so others don’t think you’re a coward.
You tell them you don’t want to be treated like this forever. That you want to be treated like this. You feel alone and betrayed. You want to be loved.
You tell them you don’t want this ever to happen again. You want to start over, but they don’t. You don’t believe them. You want to die alone, but they don’t.
You realize over time, the mask gets thinner and thinner, and your feelings for them grow more and more intense. You spend time with them and build a life that comes more together than apart. You show them love and support and nothing can stop you two from being happy together.
Then one day, it’s as if…
They’re not there.
They’re not there because you never told them how you feel. You show them love and they don’t return it. You go out of your way to make time together, but they don’t come. You tell them you love them, but they don’t make time for you.
You don’t know what to do.
Until one day, you wake up and realize…
They’re gone.
You can’t find them, and you know that whatever happened, it can’t have been between you and they weren’t a victim either.
It’s been too long for them to destroy your life and the lives of those around you. You can’t even find their name anymore.
You spend some time going over your life one destination at a time, and before you know it, you’re in a new city, and things are beginning again. You’re going to school, and getting an education has made you feel empowered and hopeful.
You’ve been told by so many people that it’s time to focus on your life and your education, and your life is finally your own.
You started dating again, and you’ve finally found someone who you can share your life with. You’ve made a big step forward, and now you’re ready to move forward.
You’re angry, confused, and in a bad mood, but then you think about the last time you talked about this
