I put on my dad’s sweater, slide into the backseat of his car, and pull the little boy with me.
My partner checks his watch and lets out a long exhale.
“Let’s go!”
I step outside the car and hug him as he pushes his mom out the door. He doesn’t cry. He’s had a hard day. He’s not nervous about anything.
He’s just happy to be with his mom.
Now that I’ve met his mom, I’m not sure whether I like her.
But after that first hug, a second hug, and a bunch of second kisses, I finally understand what men are talking about when they say hugging your mom is one of the best feelings in the world.
I remember the first time I hugged my daughter.
It was in a moment when I thought I might never feel that way again.
It was the first time I accepted that with my ex, especially since he’d been consistently abusive, I’d developed a label for myself as a “mother madam”, and I was never going to leave him.
But that first time, I didn’t realize I was being hugged for the first time.
Maybe it was the first time a couple tried to kiss in the car. Maybe it was the first time a stranger decided to take a shine to me.
But on that day, that hug, it was the first time someone decided to touch my daughter for me.
“I’m going to take a picture,” he said, holding up the phone.
We’re waiting.
He takes the phone and clicks it. I stare at the screen. My brain rushes to realize what he wants.
“No,” I say.
He starts to say, “I’m not sure,” then keeps the phone to himself.
I am so embarrassed. I really am.
I think about what I want to say, how I want to say it, how I want to say it, but I don’t. All I can think about is how I want to say it, and how I want to say it, but I can’t. My brain tries to put a Doodle somewhere, but it doesn’t work.
I am silent. It’s an amazing feeling to finally hear my voice, but I don’t want to talk. Not right now.
He gives me a hug and tells me to tell him when I’m going to let him touch me.
I’m in a daze. I guess I did cry. It’s not something I ever thought I would feel embarrassed about, that someone would like me so much.
How do I explain this?
My partner is a wonderful person.
There are things he has done that are unintentional, things he has done that are wrong, things he has done that are unique to him.
There are also things I have done that are not something I ever thought would ever be someone’s problem or get in the way of a good relationship.
But it feels like it’s always been that way. Since the first time I kissed another person, since my first time being on a date, I have been uneasy when it comes to people my age or younger, even though I have worked really hard to be comfortable with anyone that comes into my life.
I have hobbies that I love and know are in my group of friends, but if someone was to ask me out, I would not tell them anyone who is not also a friend.
It’s just not my thing.
But it’s not worth it.
Older is better.
If I could find a good cause, I would go get a dog, but I can’t. The money would be worth it, but I just don’t have the funds.
The thing is, I don’t know if I should have a dog. Who cares if it aids in the process of my journey, but at the end of the day, it’s going to be alone on the road.
It’s not worth it.
My friends think I’m a idiot for not taking the exercise bike, but I don’t have a dog.
Also, who needs gym routine when you can talk to people and make friends online anyway?
This is not a priority for me.
Living in a house with five other people and trying to make it work is way more fun.
Living in a house with my friends and all of my favorite things is way more fun.
Working out every day is the best part of the week.
Living in a house with my family and all of my favorite things is what gets me up in the morning and keeps me going all day.
Friends are necessities, family is important.